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CAN THIS MARRIAGE BE SAVED?
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DR. PAUL MOSCHETTA'S COMMENTS "First, let me state emphatically that some marriages cannot, and should not, be saved. Abusive relationships should not be tolerated under any circumstances. What's more, if there is abuse of any kind in a relationship, it must stop before any marital counselor, or the partners themselves, can begin to address the underlying issues that prevent a couple from relating to each other in a healthy way. In many abuse cases, counselors will see the husband and wife separately. However, for several reasons, I wanted to work with Nina and John as a couple. First, unlike some abusive men, John was aware of his actions, sorry for them, and deeply motivated to change. He had also just completed a court-ordered anger management class--which, though only six sessions, had at least given him some insight into the reasons for his actions and how he could begin to temper his outbursts. What's more, my sense as a clinician was that John was not a hard-bitten abuser. Rather, this was a young family so weighed down by financial and emotional pressures, and so lacking in the basic marital skills needed to handle the myriad stresses in their lives, that they were on the verge of becoming another statistic. I believed I could help them, though I was emphatic when I told John: 'If you hit her again, the marriage is over. But if you want to make a real change in your lives and that of your daughter, we can work together to achieve that goal.' When I first see any couple, I usually meet separately with the husband and the wife in order to take a personal history. However, with Nina and John, I also believed it was important for them to listen as they each described the sadness, loneliness and violence that permeated their respective childhoods. Hearing their partner detail their lives also helped them both understand how their present actions often inflamed old wounds. One of my first goals was to simply instruct them in basic information about violence and the home. I pointed out that they both grew up in families in which anger raged out of control, ones in which the abused spouse not only continued to accept the unacceptable, but felt that she had somehow deserved to be treated that way. 'You're both victims,' I told them, 'and you shouldn't be victimizing each other.' Countless studies have drawn a direct link between violence that is witnessed as a child and abusive actions later on. Our parents are the models for how we behave--in a marriage, with friends and others. These two never had a chance to see how emotionally healthy couples can argue but still love each other. Nor did they ever witness skillful conflict resolution. What's more, I added, women who are raised in violent homes are more likely to marry men who will abuse them. This last fact was pivotal in convincing John that he must drastically change his ways. 'I don't want my daughter to marry a man like me,' he said with tears in his eyes. We spent several sessions discussing the strong links between their childhood experiences and their current attitudes and actions, as well as emphasizing the part that each of them played in the dance of anger that characterized their marriage. Nina's barrage of insults and mimicry, for example, often provoked John to use physical force. This is not to excuse or justify his actions in any way, but it was essential for Nina to understand her role in the marital dynamic. Once she was able to separate her past anger from her present anger she learned to react more appropriately to what was happening in her life today. Instead of overreacting and leaping to a global accusation of her husband, she learned to take a step back--emotionally and physically--and ask herself: How important is this issue right now? What are my priorities? While John has to try to heed his wife's desire that he be more helpful around the house, she's learned to say, 'Which is more helpful to me--the fact that John bathed the baby and got her into bed on time, or the fact that the bathroom is untidy?' To build Nina's self-esteem and confidence in her own abilities, we focused on what she had already achieved despite great odds: putting herself through college, working at a demanding full-time job while mothering a young child. Though finances were clearly a serious issue for this couple, Nina decided to give up her bookkeeping job and, instead, work in the evenings toward a master's in special education. When she completes her degree, she is most likely assured of a higher-paying job. My work with John zeroed in on reinforcing his efforts to manage his anger so that disagreements didn't explode into full-blown arguments. He's learned to recognize when he's getting angry, and to literally call a time-out to cool down. They've both learned to short-circuit misunderstandings by asking each other: 'What do you hear me saying?' and then immediately clarifying any misconceptions. What's more, after an argument is resolved, they have both come to appreciate the healing power of a simple apology to clear the air and look toward the future. It was important for Nina to see that John could support her and stand up to his family when they either criticized her or implied that they knew more about raising a child than she did. 'Even if you think she's being too sensitive,' I told him, 'let her know that you're on her side.' Once Nina saw some real changes in John, she felt some of her old affection return. They desperately needed to carve out couple time, but with their work schedules and Nina's classes, that was not going to be easy. Right now, Monday nights are their only time alone together. To make the most of these evenings, they try to get Kelly in bed by seven-thirty so they at least have a quiet evening together. Nina feels more loving toward John and no longer withholds sex. I told her: 'Remember, he doesn't have to be perfect, he just has to try.'
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In New York City (212) 319-1808 |
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