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CAN THIS MARRIAGE BE SAVED?
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JOHN'S TURN, Part One: "My love for my daughter is the only reason I'm here, too. Nina always threatens to take Kelly away from me, and I know I couldn't bear that. She's the only good that has ever happened to me. I was the youngest of four kids. My father was fifty when I was born--I was definitely an accident--and he retired from the police force when I was nine. That meant he was home a lot more than when my older brothers were little. Dad was an old-fashioned, old-world kind of guy, and he thought I was out of control, rude and defiant. Look, I was certainly no Boy Scout, but I was no worse than my brothers were. Dad used to bellow, 'The others were never like this,' and my mother would always insist, 'Yes they were; you just didn't see it because you weren't here.' To be honest, my father was a brute, and I was scared of him. He was always screaming at my mother and me, and when he was really angry, he'd come after me with a stick or a belt. By the time I was a teenager, we were warring constantly. Though I managed to get decent grades, I don't remember ever getting his approval or thinking that he was proud of me. Mostly, he complained I was hanging out with kids he didn't like. My mother was very sweet but pretty helpless when it came to dealing with my father. She tried to defend me from his outbursts, and that created a lot of problems between the two of them. As soon as I graduated from high school, I got a job at the local grocery store, and moved into an apartment with one of my older brothers. I never took another penny from my father again. He died five years ago and I can't say I was sorry. My mother and I are still close, though." DR. PAUL MOSCHETTA: "Here's a good example of how past experiences can affect our present actions and attitudes. The overriding influence in John's life had been his relationship with his hostile father, who he was forever trying to avoid, yet with whom he inevitably locked horns. John's mother tried as best as she could to keep the peace, and she indulged her son out of sight of her husband, but she never had the strength to stand up to her husband. Unfortunately, violence seemed like such an ordinary and inevitable part of life that she continued to excuse her son's behavior toward Nina." JOHN'S TURN, Part Two: "I dated a lot of women but no one I ever considered marrying until I met Nina. The first time I saw her she was in the middle of a group of people at a party, laughing. That's what I remember most about the times when we started dating, that beautiful laugh. I had never felt so comfortable with another person. It's hard to even remember the way we used to be and impossible to think that our lives could have disintegrated like this. I know I'm not an easy guy to live with, and I've always been too physical, but Nina is no angel. She gives as good as she gets. She baits me. Maybe I don't help as much around the house as I should, but I feel she overlooks the things I do. Her complaints ring in my ears from the moment she walks in the door--pick up your clothes, clean the fish tank, stop tracking dirt in the house. She's like a broken tape recorder. I can feel my teeth clenching and my ears getting hot when she calls me names that would make you blush. She also mimics me and then screams at me to get out of the house. That pushes all the same buttons my dad used to. I'm not going to take that attitude from anyone ever again--certainly not from my wife. Thanksgiving was a perfect example of how Nina takes a small incident and lights a match to it. I didn't want to work on the holiday any more than she wanted me to--but, hey, it's my job. I'm the manager of a gourmet grocery store and when the owner asks me to pitch in, I feel it's my responsibility to do it. I'm going to get paid for the overtime, which we could use--and besides, these guys are my friends. Why create waves when I have to work twelve hours a day with these people? If I make a stink, it only generates ill will. Well, Nina went ballistic. She called me at work and started screaming so loudly I had to hold the phone a foot from my ear. It was embarrassing. Everyone in the store heard me getting scolded; she told me not to bother coming home. After we closed that night, my friend Will suggested I have a beer with him and cool down before going home. That's what I had--one beer--but as soon as I got to her mother's house, Nina accused me of getting drunk. We continued the argument at home. She smacked me across the face, started hammering me with her fists, and then said she was going to call the police and have me locked up for driving under the influence. That's when I lost it. Yes, spending the night in jail knocked some sense into my head. I have no excuses for my behavior. I was wrong and I want to change. But we can't have a marriage unless she changes, too.
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In New York City (212) 319-1808 |
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