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CAN THIS MARRIAGE BE SAVED?
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Meet Nina, twenty-eight, a kindergarten teacher, who is so afraid of her husband John's out-of-control anger that she's gotten a judge to issue a restraining order to protect her and their two-year-old daughter. NINA'S TURN, Part One: "Last week, I had my husband arrested. What choice did I have? He grabbed the back of my sweater as I was walking upstairs, dragged me down three steps and smashed my face into the wall. Thank God my daughter was at my mother's house and didn't see any of this--though she's certainly been living in a household filled with rage for a long time now. Kelly hears us screaming at each other, and she'll run over from wherever she is crying and push us apart. That night, I ran across to my neighbor's house and called the police. I was sobbing hysterically and the side of my face was all swollen. When the police came, they handcuffed John and he spent the night in jail. The judge issued an order of protection, but it didn't really mean very much. All it said was that he was not to antagonize or intimidate me. A lot of good that was going to do! They did demand that John attend a six-week class for men that teaches them to control their anger. But where does that leave us? We have so many problems, and I doubt this class will have much impact." DR. PAUL MOSCHETTA: "Anger has taken control of this marriage. We all deal with anger in our lives--subtle or violent. In fact, there are many faces to our anger: We may be frustrated, irritable, annoyed, aggravated or anxious. Or, we may actually use physical force--such as the flying fists that John is using--to express our rage. Either way, a marriage punctuated by such hostility is clearly in trouble." NINA'S TURN, Part Two: "The only positive thing is that John has at least agreed to come for counseling. Clearly, we need a lot of help. We've been married for three years, and we lived together for three years before that. It's never been easy. This wasn't the first time John hit me, though it was certainly the worst. We argue incessantly about everything; when I took Kelly to McDonald's for dinner a few weeks ago, he lit into me and practically accused me of poisoning her. He's in the food business, and he thinks that fast food is a sin. I don't do it every night, for goodness sake, but once in a while, when I'm rushed and hassled, what's the big deal? I'm worn out from living like this. John expects me to do everything around the house--all the cleaning, all the errands. He's a slob, and though he helps with Kelly--I know he adores her and is a very good, sometimes too-indulgent father--he leaves so many things undone or half-done. I might as well do them myself. The other night he gave Kelly a bath, which I appreciate, but then he leaves the bathroom a mess, with a puddle of water on the floor and dripping towels in the sink. This is not a help--and it's the last thing I need after working all day teaching twenty-five kindergarteners and putting in several extra hours a week at the bookkeeping job I've taken on to bring in extra money. Even so, we can barely make ends meet and I'm frantic about how we're going to manage. Every month, we're one step ahead of the bill collector. Is it any wonder I don't want to make love? That's another battle royal we have all the time. Why would I want to sleep with someone who treats me the way he does? We'll have a huge blowup, then John wants to kiss and make up. I just can't. I feel that any moment I'm going to boil over with rage. For some reason, we bring out the worst in each other. At least in the beginning, I thought we both loved each other very much." DR. PAUL MOSCHETTA: "Nina is like many women I counsel who feel unhappy, unloved and worthless--and can't figure out what to do or how to help themselves. Emotionally stuck, they see no way out of their dilemma and perpetuate it by continuing to do nothing. But anger thrives on unmet needs--and uncovering those is the first step in defusing the inner rage that fuels this marital meltdown." NINA'S TURN, Part Three: "I didn't have a very happy childhood. My parents divorced when I was a toddler, and I haven't seen my father since. When I was five, my mother remarried a man who was verbally and physically abusive to her and verbally abusive to me. I can't explain what it was like to grow up in that home. My mother tried to protect me as much as she could, and to keep my life as normal as possible--but how could it be? A day never went by that I wasn't scared that Tony, her husband, would hurt her. I still have a vivid picture in my mind of Tony sitting on top of my mother as she lay on the floor, and he was pounding her head on the kitchen floor. My mother had diabetes and was very weak. I was scared she was going to die. I grew up fast--recently, one of my childhood friends told me that I was the most mature six-year-old she had ever known. My mother and I are very close and I adore her. As miserable as her life was, she was always there to listen to me and guide me. If I had a problem at school or with friends, she would never tell me what to do but, somehow, she gave me the strength to know that I could figure things out on my own. Whenever my life gets really messed up and crazy, I try to hold on to that feeling, though it's getting harder and harder to do that. I met John at a party at my aunt's house, and I was immediately attracted to him. He's very handsome and charming, and we spent most of the afternoon laughing and talking in the den. We just seemed to have a lot in common. When he asked me to dinner the following week, I was really excited. I was dating a few guys at the time, but once John appeared on the scene, I had no desire to be with another man. We never had much money to do anything special, but we always had fun. Living together seemed like the natural thing to do. After three years, we decided to get married. I knew it wasn't perfect, but I really hoped that I had finally found the happiness that had eluded my mother for so long. She liked John and was really happy for us. But after we married, and especially after Kelly was born--she wasn't planned, by the way--the fighting really flared. I'd say something, he'd argue back, and before I knew it we were pushing and shoving each other. At my daughter's christening, I had a black eye, thanks to John. I was so worried about how I was going to explain this to all our relatives, but I decided to tell them the truth. My family was very angry--they wanted me to leave him. But his family had the most unbelievable reaction: His mother actually told me, 'If my son did that to you, you must have deserved it.' That tells you a little about what I'm up against. I can barely stand to be around members of John's family. They are so condescending, always implying that I'm a bad mother and that they, far better than me, know how to handle every child-related problem from an earache to a temper tantrum. What happened at Thanksgiving put me over the edge. John called from work to say that he had to stay even later than usual and wouldn't be home until after seven. We were expected at my mother's house at five. Now, last Thanksgiving John worked late. The guys are supposed to alternate holidays, yet my husband is always the one to volunteer and agree to extra hours. I'm tired of being the last priority on his list. So we got into an argument on the phone, I took Kelly to my mother's, and John didn't show up until after nine P.M.--and I could smell liquor on his breath. I was livid. When we got home that night, we continued the argument and, I'll admit, both lost control. I told John that I was going to call the police because he had obviously been driving while he was drunk. I started up the stairs--and the next thing I knew, he had yanked me backward and started pounding my head into the wall. "Right now, I'm not sure there is any hope for our marriage, but if there's any chance at all, I owe it to our daughter to try. If I felt that I could support myself, I would leave John today, but my teaching salary prohibits that. As disgusted as I am, I don't want my daughter to grow up in a single-parent household, or to have the same kind of life I have. That's the only reason I'm here." DR. PAUL MOSCHETTA: "Nina has spent a lifetime caring for others and, though she's unaware of it, she's actually furious that she is always giving to others but getting little in return. She buried a lot of her rage--against her father, stepfather, even her mother--but she let it explode against John. Feeling frustrated and unloved, her fuse was short and any issue, large or small, set off the same hostile reaction in her. In a calm moment, she understands that a dripping wet towel on the bathroom floor is not as important, say, as the fact that her husband might be drinking and driving, but each has the same power to put her over the edge. She always feels on-duty and stressed out. Unable to reign in her anxiety, she lashes out the only way she knows to infuriate him--with hurtful words and mimicry."
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In New York City (212) 319-1808 |
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