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CAN THIS MARRIAGE BE SAVED?
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RICHARD'S TURN: Part One “I feel like I have a tiger by the tail,” sighs Richard, forty, who offered a weak handshake as he walked into our office. “I knew Lydia was unhappy. Now that the boys are getting older, there’s less and less to keep her busy around the house. . . but divorce? I was blown away when she blurted that out the other night. Why would she say that? When Lydia brought up going to counseling a couple years ago, I actually encouraged her to go. Personally, I don’t believe in it, but I thought that under the circumstances it was a good idea. Lydia said she needed to make changes in her life. Well, she made changes, alright; in fact, I hardly recognize the woman I married.” You know, I’m as tired as Lydia is of all the yelling and arguments, but I’ve never been very good at communicating with people. . . especially her. Trying to hold my own against Lydia in an argument is impossible. She is much more articulate than I am, and I can’t think of the right words to respond. Since I can never win an argument, I usually decide that the best thing is simply not to answer her at all. Sometimes, I think a switch automatically flips in my head and I simply tune her out. Once Lydia gets started, there’s no stopping her. She gets totally wound up, ranting and raving about all the injustices I’ve done her in the last seventeen years. We start discussing one point, and before I know it, she’s bringing up things I supposedly did or didn’t do years ago. Half the time I have no idea what the hell she’s talking about.” DR. PAUL MOSCHETTA: Many men have the same lament. In general, women are much better at expressing their feelings than their spouses. Studies have shown that women can actually handle conflict and discussions of hot topics much better than their husbands. When Richard feels flooded by Lydia’s barrage of negativity, he becomes defensive, stonewalling and avoiding conflict at all costs rather than fighting a battle he knows he can’t win. RICHARD'S TURN: Part Two “As I said, Lydia doesn’t talk; she lectures or lashes out in this belligerent way, pointing her finger at me as if I were a child. There’s a big chip on her shoulder, like she’s daring me to knock it off. Often, she’ll call me at work, barge into my home office when I’m trying to concentrate on some paperwork, or interrupt me when I’m gardening because she’s ready to talk. Well, maybe I’m not. She’s also so arrogant. She has a set way of handling every problem, and if I have a different opinion or want to take another approach, I’m automatically wrong. She always thinks that her way of doing something is right. That’s one reason we fight so much about the kids. For example, when the boys were little and I worked late, I’d want to spend some time with them once I finally got home. But she had a fit if bedtime was delayed fifteen minutes. Even now, if the kids leave their room a mess or don’t help with chores, she'll also get upset. I don’t think any of these is a crime, so I don’t make a big deal out of it. Besides, I don’t see the children all that much, so I don’t feel like spending the evenings yelling at them.” DR. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: In many ways, Richard sounds like a divorced father who sees his kids only on weekends. He wants to make sure that the short amount of time he has with them—time that’s growing shorter as his sons hit adolescence—is pleasant. The trouble is, like many men, he doesn’t know how to be loving and still set limits with his kids. RICHARD'S TURN: Part Three “From day one, Lydia has never been able to get along with my mother. Look, I know my mother isn’t the easiest person in the world to get along with, but I find it hard to believe she’s said half the things Lydia accuses her of saying. I know Lydia is exaggerating in that drastic way of hers. But even if my mother is obnoxious at times, so what? I let those kinds of things roll off my back, and I think, for the sake of peace and harmony, Lydia should, too. I’m the youngest of two, and I have always been my mother’s favorite. Then, when I was seven, my older brother drowned in a swimming pool accident, and my mother became even more protective of me. Why can’t Lydia understand what she must have gone through? If she did, Lydia would put herself out a little more. But if she doesn’t want to talk to my mother, she doesn’t have to. I'm just trying to avoid conflict. That's why I don’t mention Lydia's name in conversations with my mother. I know they don’t like each other; I’m simply trying to keep peace. Can’t she see that? Now that I think about it, there’s something else that bothers me. I don’t appreciate being called cheap. When it comes to money, I’m fiscally conservative. Lydia ought to know that unless we stick to a budget, we’ll never have enough money to pay for the boys’ college educations, let alone our retirement. I’ve asked Lydia to use a little restraint, but she ignores me and does whatever she pleases. If that’s her idea of meeting me halfway, I’m not sure I want to stay married, either.”
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