CAN THIS MARRIAGE BE SAVED?
Ladies Home Journal On-Line
TRANSCRIPT OF LIVE CHAT WITH DRS. EVELYN & PAUL MOSCHETTA
Question 1
My stepdaughter, age 9, was an angel to me, until I married her father. Now it's catsup in the shampoo bottle and broken wine bottles when Daddy's not around and I don't let her do what she wants. It's only been two months (though we dated for two years); he says it's just a tough change for her, but I've seen and heard so many horror stories I want to nip this in the bud right away. What should I do?
Evelyn: It's important that your husband speak to his daughter. He has to tell her that he understands that she's upset about the marriage. He should ask her what else she's angry about. It's possible she sees you as the disciplinarian—and that she resents that. Give this 9-year-old a chance to express her feelings and reward her for expressing them in a direct constructive way rather than in the destructive way she's been expressing them up until now.
Paul: She needs to get the message that it's okay for her to be angry, but that anger has to be expressed within certain limits. Acting it out is not acceptable. Talking about it is.
Question 2
I want to spend Christmas with my folks in Birmingham, but my husband says "No, we go to Thanksgiving with your folks and Christmas with mine (in Tallahassee). It's been five years since we started doing that, but I miss my family Christmases and want to switch this year. How can I tell him I'm going to Birmingham without upsetting him and my in-laws?
Paul: A good marriage has to have cooperation and flexibility built into it. However, it appears that you and your husband have had this arrangement in place for quite some time. You would have had to begin discussing a change earlier in the year so that the two of you would have had time to discuss it, sit with the possibilities, and find a compromise. Now he's feeling under pressure to change and you're feeling that he's unfair. You may have to go along with the arrangement this year, and right now begin discussing a change for next year.
Question 3
My 12-year-old daughter thinks she is fat. Not only is she well within the suggested weight for a girl of her height and body frame, she's beautiful (and I'm not just saying that). No matter what I do I can't convince her. What can I do to make her feel better about herself?
Evelyn: It sounds like your daughter has a serious self esteem problem. I strongly urge you to get her some professional help. Actually you too will need help in learning how to deal with this problem.
Paul: Without outside help, there's a good chance you're going to end up in one conflict after another. This will damage your relationship. Get some outside help so you can be a backup and not on the front-line.
Question 4
My husband and I have two friends who have been dating for a long time. We frequently spend time with them, going to the movies, out to dinner, etc. They are a nice couple, but they often have vicious fights in front of us. When this happens, neither my husband nor I know what to do. We end up shrinking into our chairs and staring at each other. Is there something more productive we could be doing, or should we just walk away?
Evelyn: The best way to handle this is to tell them we care about you very much, we want to be your friends, however we cannot and will not be witnesses to your hurting each other. We urge you to get some help in communication skills, so that you can talk out your problems more productively. If talking to them doesn't help, then yes, you need to get up and walk away.
Question 5
My husband is wonderful in the bedroom, with the lights out, and no one else in the house. Unfortunately with 3 kids, that never happens, how can I let him know that I'm desperate for affection and need him to stop being such a cold fish, even though originally his shyness towards intimacy was one of the things that attracted me to him?
Paul: Obviously you need to tell him how you're feeling. But after that, I think you should begin demonstrating what you need. Be more affectionate to him. Give him a hug, reach for his hand, initiate sex. Demonstrate all the behaviors you'd like to see him doing. Begin with that approach. Give it time—say a month. And see how it goes.
Question 6
Is there a danger of communicating too openly with your spouse? My husband and I tell each other absolutely everything--from how our day was at work to what movie star we find most attracted, to details about our ex-lovers. While this kind of talk makes me feel like he is my best friend, I'm afraid it might be taking the mystery and romance out of our marriage. Do you have to set boundaries in communicating with your spouse, or can it be a free-for-all?
Evelyn: Congratulations. It's wonderful that the two of you are so open with each other. And, in fact, the openness, the ability to share your inner worlds with each other, is what helps create closeness and passion.
Question 7
A good friend of mine recently confided in me that my husband had propositioned her at a party I wasn't able to attend. She says she said no, but I'm shocked! How can I find out if he really did this and how many times he's done this before, because if he didn't do this and she's lying (which she's never done to my knowledge before) I don't want him to think I don't trust him anymore.
Paul: I don't think you should confront your husband with this story. You'll only wind up having to choose between your husband or your friend. But you do have a very important piece of information. I think you now have to observe your husband's actions very carefully. Also, you need to check out what's happening between the two of you. Are there any unresolved angers? Are you feeling close outside and inside the bedroom? Do you have a real conversation going on between you? Check these questions out within yourself, and then ask him the same questions. And have a conversation about them.
Evelyn: See this as a gift because now you have the opportunity to give some attention to your marriage. Now you can begin to have some heart-to-heart talks with your husband about each of your levels of happiness in the marriage.
Question 8
As therapists/experts, do you think that there is one person for everyone, or many people for each person? In other words, all these people saying "he's The One," "she's The One". . . isn't that kind of an unrealistic notion? Can't there be more than one person for everyone?
Paul: Yes, but not at the same time.
Question 9
I am an art dealer and my husband is an accountant. We have been married for five years and have no children yet. My problem is I just met this incredible man who is also interested in art. We get along famously and have a lot in common. But since I am married I have decided to stay away from this man because I don't want to fall for him. My question is this: Am I supposed to avoid temptation (any man who I think I might be interested in) for the rest of my life? Is that the only way to protect your marriage?
Paul: Yes, while you're married you can feel all the temptation you like, but not act on it. If there are problems in your marriage, deal with them. Getting involved with another person is going to make you the bad guy and take the spotlight off whatever real issues you and your husband need to be facing together. If you look at those issues, and maybe get some help with them, your marriage may very well improve. Then you can enjoy your temptations, without feeling guilty.
Question 10
My husband likes to read porno magazines and it bothers me. I used to think that it was normal but now it's gotten worse. I find them all over the house. I think our sex life is great, and when I ask him he says it's great, but why does he still need those magazines?
Evelyn: If your husband is telling the truth—and by the way, he may not be—he is using sex as an escape. It sounds like he's overindulging himself in sexual fantasies through these magazines. It might be a good idea for him to find out what he's running away from.
Paul: It's important to note that men more than women are turned on by visual stimulation. Tell him you understand that, but what alarms you is the fact that he seems to be overdosing on this kind of stimulation. And that doesn't seem normal.
Question 11
I have lived with a man for the last eight years (after divorcing my alcoholic husband of twenty-five years). My boyfriend, Bob, was a widower when we met. We set a date to be married two years ago and two months before, he said he couldn't go through with it. He has since moved out. I have tried everything I know to try to get him back--I'm lost without him. I don't think I'll ever get over him.
Evelyn: It sounds as if you've become very dependent on Bob, and that's understandable after being married to an alcoholic for over 20 years. But dependency isn't love, so the feeling—"I'm lost without him, I won't get over him"—is coming from fear and insecurity. I advise you to join a women's group, to talk to friends, to get all the support you can in letting him go, and—if need be, and it might need be—to get some professional help.
Question 12
Christmas is coming and I'm stuck buying all the gifts again! My husband claims he's no good at it, he hates it, he can't come up with any ideas, etc., etc. Even though I have to admit, I am better at finding bargains and thoughtful gifts, the whole ordeal totally stresses me out when left entirely up to me!!!
Paul: Wives feeling overwhelmed with holiday shopping is a common complaint we hear. You may indeed be a better creative shopper than your husband. So make a list of specific items you need him to take responsibility for. Make the list as clear as possible. And tell him you need his help getting these things done.
Evelyn: Remember the two of you are a team. Approach Christmas shopping as a team—wherever and whenever possible, go and do the shopping together.
Question 13
My husband's family is coming to our house for Thanksgiving next week. The problem is I don't get along with them. Every holiday is the same: The same boring, forced conversations about work, the weather, and other smalltalk. I have started to dread the holidays, knowing that I'll have to spend them with my boring family. My husband agrees. Would it be rude just not to invite them this year?
Evelyn: Sounds like it's a little late. Try and brainstorm some creative solution to doing something different with his family this Thanksgiving. Change of venue, perhaps. Try and think of something exciting and adventurous that you can do indoors or outdoors with them. You might also want to invite friends and new people to stimulate new conversations. And make other plans for next year.
Question 14
When my husband (an only child) doesn't get what he wants, he storms out of the house and goes to the local "pub". He doesn't come back drunk or anything (I think he just watched sports and plays darts), but I wish he'd stop walking away from our differences, especially now that we have a newborn (Becca's six weeks old) I can't do it all on my own.
Evelyn: I'm sure your husband loves his new daughter. Hopefully he can differentiate between who's the adult and who's the child. When he storms out, it's as if he's having a temper tantrum. That's clearly not the adult way to handle frustration. I wonder how you speak to each other when there's a clash of needs, or a disagreement. Are you coming across as a strict parent? What is it that your husband has a difficult time hearing? Is it just simply that he's not getting his way? My hunch is, there may be a power and control issue going on between you. Do everything you can to correct this situation now. You owe it not only to yourselves but to this new baby.
Paul: At a time when you're really getting along well, tell him how upset it makes you when he storms out. Ask him is he really that upset, or is he seizing the moment just to get to the "pub" for a while. If he says he's really upset, then tell him, "We have to find a way for you to express your upset, that doesn't leave me feeling deserted by him."
Question 15
My husband is in the army and he frequently goes on month-long trips and lately it seems as though he's shocked every time he comes back to see that I'm 58 and not 18 anymore. Though I'm still quite attractive, I modeled in my 20's until we decided to start a family. Sure, my body may not be glamorous, but it's got experience and class. I feel as though it's a disappointment to him and that upsets me. He denies this and says I'm just as beautiful as ever even though its been over a year since we last made love. Help!
Paul: What is he doing while he's away that he's so shocked when he returns? What an odd reaction!
Evelyn: The two of you better talk about why he's so turned off. What's turned him off? When did he first feel turned off? Tell him there is a contradiction here. And whenever there's a contradiction, there is a problem.
Question 16
I just got married six months ago and am depressed. For the past two years my husband and I devoted every second to planning our wedding--from the flowers to the guest list to the invitations, it was I think the most exciting time in both of our lives. Now that the wedding is over, I've got post-wedding blues. Is this normal, or have I made a mistake?
Evelyn: Clearly you were so caught up in the fantasy of a fairy tale wedding where you were the star, it gave you a feeling of importance and being special. You have to now find that same feeling inside yourself. You have to find it between you and your husband. A good, happy marriage—one in which we're devoted to one another and best friends—fosters that feeling of being special and important and having value.
Question 17
My husband and I have different work schedules. He works graveyard and I work days. I am unable to get him to take me out or even sit down and talk to me. He would rather talk and go out with his friends than take me out. I have suggested for us to see a counselor, but he refuses. What can I do?
Paul: It sounds as if your husband may not be ready to make a full commitment to your marriage. Go to a therapist yourself. Tell the therapist the situation. And that you'd like him or her to call your husband on the phone and invite him into the sessions. Discuss this with the therapist before you make your first appointment. Only see a therapist who's willing to do this. Most of the time, husbands come in when invited. This is what you must do for the benefit of your relationship. The sooner the better.
Question 18
Neither Sam's folks nor mine were very loving, we kind of bonded that way. The first two years of our marriage were great, until he got transferred to LA. After a year here, it seems like all he does is make money and all I do is spend it. He works overtime every day and brings home more than I can spend out shopping from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. every day. I thought this was the life I'd always dreamed of, but the house is now full of stuff and there don't seem to be any people around.
Evelyn: Both of you have substituted material happiness for spiritual happiness. In addition, it seems that he's using work and you're using shopping to avoid intimacy.
Paul: Have a talk and tell him this is what you see going on between you. What does he see? That should be the beginning of a good conversation. Ask him if he feels as lonely as you do. Tell him you need his help because you're not feeling happy inside."
Question 19
My husband and I lived together for almost four years before I got pregnant and we got married. Now, Jacob's 6 months old and all we ever do is fight. Oddly enough, Jacob's the only thing we DO agree on. After all those years of solving differences easily, now all of a sudden we can't compromise. What happened?
Paul: Who knows what happened? To answer that question, we'd have to sit with you and go over the last two years to find out how you got so far off track. The fact is, you are off track. You've got to go to a marriage counselor to help sort this out. The longer you wait, the more anger will accumulate between you. And remember, accumulated anger kills love. So, if what you both really love and care about is your son, then put his needs first right now. Put your squabbles aside and get some help.
Question 20
My husband has been impotent for the last year. He thought it would "go away," but it hasn't. I know that a large majority of impotencies can be helped with drugs, but I think he is too proud or nervous to go to a doctor. How can I make him go?
Evelyn: First, it's important to make him feel safe enough to talk to you about his feelings. See if you can be a good sounding board for him. That means not imposing your opinions on anything he shares with you. Just listen. He has to be carrying many difficult feelings inside, and he has no one to talk to. In a gentle way, tell him you love him no matter what. Tell him you're there for him and together, you can solve any problem.
Question 21
My fourteen year old daughter is delightful and charming to everyone outside of the family--and sullen and nasty to all of us. I know that I'm not supposed to take this adolescent moodiness personally--but it's very hard not to. How can I get her to be less self-absorbed and more of a human being to us at home?
Evelyn: What are the consequences that she suffers from her bad behavior toward you? Apparently, she feels that it's acceptable to act disrespectfully and without regard to the people closest to her. Reassure her that you are ready to hear anything that she may be angry about or have a complaint about. But it is not acceptable the WAY she's expressing these feelings. A family conference seems to be in order here. Call a meeting with the whole family and encourage her to speak her mind.
Question 22
Well, we've already had several family meetings and they didn't seem to have any impact. I honestly don't think my daughter can even tell that she's not acting nice. Is this something we just have to endure for a few more years?
Evelyn: I don't believe for one minute that your daughter doesn't know she's not acting nice. She just thinks that this is acceptable and she's going to be loved unconditionally. On one level, you do and will love her unconditionally. On another level, when she's interacting with family members, you will not accept her unconditionally. She needs to have a consequence when she displays bad behavior. Give her a choice—she can either be grounded or have a privilege be taken away. Let her choose. The important thing is that she see that there is a consequence when she hurts other people by being rude and nasty.
Question 23
I come from a fairly prominent NC family and none of the women have ever worked. My fiancé's family has been a double-income family since before that was even common. How do I tell him I'm not going to work without ruining our engagement?
Evelyn: What are the facts of the situation? Do the facts show that it is, indeed, necessary for you to work? If it is, you'll both have to respect those facts. If it isn't necessary for you to work, what are you planning for your life together? Are you planning to take on the job of housekeeper and child-rearer? Each of you digging your heels in to the particular ways you've been raised and condition is not conducive to a cooperative, loving marriage.
Question 24
We've been married for ten years and for all that time, my husband has been complaining that I make all the social plans and we never do what he wants. He calls me controlling--but the truth is, he never has any ideas about what to do. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Any suggestions?
Paul: Make it clear to him you do not want to be a controlling wife. But make it also clear that you don't want to be scapegoated for his lack of responsibility. If he wants to be more involved in the social plans, then he's got to do just that. Let him find the activity section of the local newspaper and spend time browsing through, discovering things he's interested in doing. He can't have it both ways; telling you you're controlling while not making more of an effort to be a voice that's heard.
Question 25
I have a serious financial problem and I don't know how to tell my husband about it. Over the last two years, I've accumulated over $10,000 in debt on about fifteen different credit cards. We have joint accounts, so I've always paid the bills--the minimum payments, that is. Now it's all caught up with me. I don't want this marriage to end...but how will he ever trust me again? What should I say?
Evelyn: Before you tell him anything, you've got to understand how you got yourself into this position and what's going on with you. You might want to consider joining Debtor's Anonymous. There's no way your husband will be able to trust you again if you can't trust yourself. And you cannot trust yourself until you understand yourself. Once you can clearly explain to him what motivated you to run up such large bills, then you can begin talking to him in a way that will reassure him and yourself. The marriage won't be damaged if you take responsibility for what happened here by getting the help you need to understand it.
Paul: If you're not working you have to be ready to assume the responsibility of going to work and clearing up the debt.
Question 26
My husband has just started going to graduate school part-time, and he works full-time. Because of all the hours he is logging at work and at school (even on the weekends), the amount of time we spend together has been cut in half and he almost never helps out at home any more. I know in the long run his going back to school will benefit us both, but right now I feel alone where I used to feel like a team with him.
Evelyn: It's important that you be able to cover for him. And it's an act of love that you're doing this. The two of you do need, however, to carve out some time when you can connect with each other so that you don't feel so isolated. He can't help you out the way he used to—this is something you'll have to accept for now.
Paul: Here's your chance to be really creative and find ways to build in the kind of connection you want in a shorter time span. Brainstorm things the two of you can do together that won't take a lot of time and will be something he's open to doing given that he probably feels on overload most of the time. This is not easy. Be careful you don't sound like you're complaining because that will probably get a defensive, angry response from him. Be sure and preface all your comments with a statement that clearly lets him know you know how hard he's working and how much pressure he's under.
Question 27
What would you say are the warning signs for a couple that they need marriage therapy?
Paul: The warning sign is the degree of anger that's expressed between you. If there are alot of angry fights that don't end in workable solutions, you need help. Also, every couple has disagreements. The difference is strong, healthy couples close the distance between them quickly. If you spend a lot of time being emotionally and sexually distant, closed off from each other, get some help.
Question 28
My fiance began his first appointment out of medical school at a great hospital in Chicago six months ago. We've been together for 3 years and the wedding is in January, but I finally graduated from law school in December. I got offered a lousy position here and a GREAT position in Austin, Texas. My salary will be greater than his if I take the Texas job. Everything else in our relationship is fine, but I hesitate to ask him to give up his position and move to Texas for me. I just found out about the good offer Monday, and he worked a long shift Tuesday so I haven't told him yet. I'm sure our relationship is strong enough, but he comes from a traditional family and so I know his folks will have a fit since they think I should stay at home anyway. I hope this makes sense. Please help.
Paul: This needs to be openly discussed between you two. Each of you needs to feel you can honestly say what's on your minds about it. If your husband is going to be the primary breadwinner over the long haul of this marriage, his needs may take on more weight. On the other hand, if you also see a long career ahead of yourself, that would level the playing field. This is a hard situation. The real challenge will not be in the final decision but how well the two of you can get your hands around this difficult dilemma. Good luck.
Question 29
Is it inappropriate to start new friendships with people of the opposite sex while you're married?
Evelyn: It depends on what you mean by "new friendships" and the depths of those friendships. If you find yourself confiding more in and being emotionally closer to your friend than your spouse, this is inappropriate.
Question 30
When our son's midterm report came back 1 C, 4 D's and 2 F's (the C was in Phys. Ed.) I wanted to pull the stopper on his social life. My husband said "Statistics show the 1st semester of a student's second year at any school will be the worst." Which he told our son, and then did nothing else. I just don't know what to do with either of them! Arrgh!
Paul: Your husband appears to be in denial and has given your son a green light to continue not taking his schoolwork seriously. Those grades represent a more serious problem than a statistically normal adjustment—period. Since he's already delivered his message to your son, all you can do now is follow up diligently. Each week, you should be getting reports from teachers so you can monitor his efforts. Share this information with your husband. Be careful not to have an "I told you so" attitude. That will only get in the way of your working together to get your son on track academically.
Question 31
My husband likes to give me public displays of affection but I don't like it. I get really embarrassed. Is there something wrong with me?
Evelyn: Assuming his behavior is generally considered appropriate for public display, you need to look into why it embarrasses you so.
Paul: Are there any affectionate behaviors that you feel okay about? These should be made clear to both of you.
Evelyn: Is it possible that you feel his affection in public is for himself rather than for you? That would make anyone uncomfortable. It's as if he's showing off what a great guy he is. Or is there a sweetness to it that makes it appropriate? Do you have problems with displays of affection in private? Are you affectionate to him? Showing affection in an appropriate way in public is a way to give life to love-feelings in general.
Paul: It might help put some perspective on the problem by talking about how affection was shown in the families each of you grew up in. You may have had very different experiences which makes having a common understanding about this difficult.
Question 32
My husband is really paranoid at parties and always thinks everyone is talking about him and us. As a result I really don't like to go to parties with him. What can I do to make him more comfortable at parties?
Evelyn: Is he paranoid in other situations as well? If that's the case, there's a deeper emotional problem at hand that definitely needs professional help. If that's not the case, your husband may be feeling insecure and self conscious. You can help by being with him at parties. Go around with him as you meet new people. Help him break the ice by joining in conversations with him. Be sure not to make him feel that there's something wrong with him. Instead, help him overcome his shyness and feelings of inadequacy by running interference with him at social gatherings.
Question 33
The holidays can be very stressful, especially when there's just been a death in the family, as in my wife's. Any tips on how to survive?
Evelyn: It is helpful to talk about the person who's no longer there with you. Perhaps each family member could say something about a particular memory of that person that touches him or her. Generally , people tend to avoid talking about the person that just passed. It's been found to be more helpful for everyone involved when they share in the fond memories.
Paul: Don't fall into the trap of trying to carry on and have a "normal" holiday. You're all probably feeling pretty much the same thing. It's talking about those feelings that will make the holiday meaningful and comforting despite the loss.