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CAN THIS MARRIAGE BE SAVED?
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JOAN'S TURN, Part Seven: “One of my husband’s biggest complaints is about money. He’s always yelling at me for keeping terrible records. He says he can’t understand how we can still be in debt when he works so hard. I don’t think Nat has any idea what it costs to run a home. And if our children need money, even though they’re on their own now, I want to give them a hand. I don’t think that’s such a terrible thing, do you? We obviously have our differences. But we're not dealing with them right now. Either he screams at me, or there's silence. We never talk anymore, certainly not about anything important. We’ve grown apart. I go about my business, he goes about his. I can’t remember the last time he put his arm around my waist or gave me a hug. Even his kiss good-bye in the morning is perfunctory. Sometimes he even forgets to kiss me goodnight. I still care about Nat, but I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore--at least, not like I used to be. And I know the kids are worried. They hear Nat yelling, and they ask questions like, 'Are you and Daddy going to get divorced?’ We can’t go on like this. We have to resolve things one way or another.” DR. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Joan doesn’t consider Nat her ally in any way, and at this point, she seems to have given up hope that despite their long history together, they'll be able to breach the gulf between them. Afraid to confront Nat directly on any issue, she either plays the blame game and holds him responsible for their ever-increasing problems, or withdraws in silence and stews with resentment. Does Nat feel equally pessimistic? NAT'S TURN, Part One: “Can you believe Joan says I'm her number one priority?” yelled Nat, forty-two, a large man with a booming voice. Number seventeen is more like it. She’s right about one thing, though; I am angry, and frankly, it’s mostly Joan’s fault. She’s a good, loving woman, but she has no room for anyone but the kids. I’m a stranger in my own home, but I still do care. Just because I work long hours doesn’t mean I don’t care about my family and don’t want to know what they’re up to. I ask about what’s happening, and she tells me,`Oh, nothing.’ I ask why she did something, and she either gives me a blank look or she gets mad at me for daring to question her. I’m not interrogating her; I just want to know. I’m the father, remember? She never has any time for me, either. If she’s not busy with one of our own children, it’s her sister, her brother or her nephews and nieces. I love them all, but enough is enough.” DR. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Most couples march into our offices blaming each other and these two are no exception. Each feels the other is responsible for the rifts in their relationship. Joan blames Nat for being hostile and angry. Nat blames her for being cold and unaffectionate. Each is right--but their relationship is wrong. DR. PAUL MOSCHETTA: What they don’t realize is that righteous blaming creates a dead-end relationship. These two need to start taking responsibility for their own shortcomings. They’d feel closer if they could view difficulties as problems to be solved rather than as fault residing in their partner. NAT'S TURN, Part Two: “You know, when we married, it was a different era. We were both the eldest in a large Catholic family, so having lots of kids was no big deal. But Joan and I are opposites. I’m very outspoken and outgoing. I say what I think and don’t like to hold things in. Joan is quiet and keeps her feelings under wraps. She’s always positive, never says anything bad about anybody. I think I’m realistic. She thinks I’m negative. The problem is, I can’t talk to the one person it’s important for me to talk to. If I get the slightest bit agitated, she clams up. I believe that if you have a problem, you should discuss it. She won’t, and never has. DR. PAUL MOSCHETTA: From Nat’s point of view, Joan is being incredibly selfish--and in one way he's right. She’s taking care of Nat’s custodial needs--raising his children and tending the home--but ignoring the emotional ones. He’s angry--and rightly so--when she constantly puts the needs of the kids before his. Of course, the way he handles his anger, expresses his feelings--coupled with his low tolerance for frustration--are defeating his cause. No one can, or should be forced to, deal with a person this angry. Nat is confusing verbal bullying with being verbally abusive. NAT'S TURN, Part Three: “Right now I feel more like a money machine than a father or husband. I make a good living, but there is never, ever enough. Joan is spending money faster than I can make it. I don’t know where it goes, and when I try to get her to keep track, she forgets or deliberately deceives me. Sure, she told me she was giving our daughter some money. I figured fifty, sixty dollars, right? Well, try six hundred dollars! Did she think I wasn’t going to find out? She’s also gotten our credit rating all messed up because she keeps putting off paying bills. We decided that was her job, so I don’t understand why she’s not doing it. Look, I know she doesn’t spend money on herself; she spends it all on the kids. A lot of the time it's because she just can't say no. She's been overly permissive with the kids for years. She never asks any of the children to do anything around the house, and if they ask for something, she runs to buy it. She shouldn’t be their servant.” The amount of time I spend in the apartment has been blown way out of proportion. I thought having a little place to stay in the city would ease my stress because I wouldn’t have to go back and forth. But now the apartment is another source of tension between us. Of course, Joan is exaggerating when she says I spend the whole week there. I have never stayed there more than two nights a week. Even at home, we never have time together. We have absolutely no privacy. Joan leaves the bedroom door wide open. . . all the time. The kids just march right in. I’m probably closer to John, our youngest, than any of them, but I’ll be damned if I want him sleeping on my bedroom floor any more. What can I say? I have a wife and five kids, and I’m lonely. I feel like I don’t have a friend in the world. Joan is a wonderful mother, but once in awhile, it would be nice to have her say I love you. If she can do it for the kids, why not for me?” DR. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Nat, like many men, feels the burden of financial responsibility--more so given the extra-large family he and Joan are raising. Nevertheless, problems may arise if a husband becomes too work-focused. DR. PAUL MOSCHETTA: Clearly, the apartment is a good idea gone sour. But it is symbolic of this couple’s almost total lack of communication. When they do talk at all, they discuss only mundane details of their lives. What they need to do--what every couple must do--is take a regular reading on the state of their marriage. Whether it's five minutes or fifteen a night, they need to carve out time to ask themselves: How are we doing? Is this how we envisioned our life together? Would we be happier if something were different? What can we do to make that happen? Nat’s complaint is legitimate--and one we hear from countless husbands whose wives have found it difficult to integrate their maternal role with their sexual role. Often the women who used to dance till dawn now fall into bed, exhausted, well before midnight. Joan must realize that she needs to make her bedroom a haven for her and Nat, not a community rec room.
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