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CAN THIS MARRIAGE BE SAVED?
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JOAN'S TURN, Part Four: “I was always active in the community and at school. Currently, I volunteer at a soup kitchen; in the past, I've been a Cub Scout leader and a basketball, soccer and cheerleading coach. The list is long. I have the most wonderful memories of being with my kids and their friends, memories I’ll always treasure. Still, our life isn't perfect. We’ve had our share of difficult times. A few years ago, one of our grown daughters had cancer--a rare form of lymphoma. It’s a miracle she’s alive. In spite of the chemotherapy treatments, she was able to have a baby last year. Then, one of our sons was in a bad hiking accident and part of his leg was severed. He now only walks with a limp, and can do pretty much everything he did before. What got us through the difficult times? Faith, I suppose. And being able to cry and talk things through with others. I’ve always had a large circle of friends and family who I count on. But for Nat, it's much harder. He thinks it’s a sign of weakness to show emotion--with the exception of anger, that is. DR. PAUL MOSCHETTA: Anger is a leitmotif in Joan’s life, as it is for many people. Though we face our partners as adults, right behind us are the shadows of our parents. Whenever Nat flies into a rage, speaks to her in a brusque manner, or criticizes her, that hot button from Joan’s childhood gets pushed. He sounds just like Daddy did. DR. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Also, because of her father’s abusiveness, Joan tends to avoid conflict at all costs, as you’ll soon see. Rather than fight with her husband, she either plays the blame game and holds him responsible for their ever-increasing problems, or withdraws in silence and stews with resentment. JOAN'S TURN, Part Five: “I really can’t say when the problems started. Over the years, I just got more and more engrossed in taking care of the children, and we slipped farther apart. The fact that Nat is a workaholic and simply isn’t home all that much has added to our distance. In fact, he spends a great deal of time in our apartment in the city. Let me explain: It’s about a two-hour drive from Nat’s office in the city to our home. When our oldest son decided to live in the city, he asked Nat if he wanted to split the rent with him. The idea was that Nat could stay there one or two nights a week to break up the long commute, or if he didn't want to face the ride home after entertaining clients late at night. We all agreed that getting the apartment sounded like a good idea. But now Nat spends the whole week in the city and comes home only on weekends. By then, so much has happened it’s hard for him to catch up. Not only is it impossible for me to take the time to explain what happened to a family of five in the past five days, I simply can't remember everything. He complains that he feels closed out, that he’s the last on my list of people to pay attention to. Well, that kind of talk is infuriating. What does he expect? He’s a grown man; it’s the kids who need my attention. Nat can’t always be number one.” DR. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: This is the crux of the Marders' problem. While Joan sincerely loves being a mother and sees it as her true calling in life, she’s completely missing one crucial point: If you don’t pay attention to your marriage, if you fail to make your relationship a priority, it simply won’t last. DR. PAUL MOSCHETTA: People come up with lots of reasons why they can’t put their marriage first. The demands of children, work and housekeeping top the list. But the truth is, your children will benefit far more from seeing an emotionally healthy, warm relationship than from receiving constant attention. Making your marriage number one is an investment of energy that keeps the whole family in balance. It helps to remember the chores will always be there, but you can never recapture the time you spend with a spouse. JOAN'S TURN, Part Six: “I must say, sometimes I really resent his comments. When he comes home and asks, `How could you let Nat Jr. do that?’ or `How could you give that money to Marie?’ my back goes up. I tell him, `Look, you weren't here. When you’re away, I make the decisions.’ I’ve been handling everything and everybody for so long, who is he to criticize me? “He wants to fight, but I’m not going to argue. I’ve never been one to get into screaming matches. The problem is, Nat can yell so loudly sometimes, I think he’s going to burst a blood vessel. What can I possibly say to this man to calm him down?" DR. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: We meet many women with complaints similar to Joan's. She’s used to being the boss, and she doesn’t appreciate when Nat comes home and throws a monkey wrench into her well-oiled machine. DR. PAUL MOSCHETTA: Joan often feels she is a single parent, which is certainly a tough job, but at least you don’t have to answer to anyone but yourself. Joan likes it that way. But her defensiveness is driving a wedge into her marriage. Like many women we see today, she’s also a micro-manager. A real perfectionist and a striver, she does more than she needs to do, and says yes when she really should say no.
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In New York City (212) 319-1808 |
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