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CAN THIS MARRIAGE BE SAVED?
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INTRODUCTION DR. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: While this couple has been married over twenty years and has five kids, the problems they are facing are common with many parents today. Studies have shown that most couples--no matter how long they’ve known each other, or how much they’ve discussed raising a family--are totally unprepared for the enormous challenges that come with parenthood: What happens to a couple’s relationship when baby makes three? How can you be partners and parents, too? DR. PAUL MOSCHETTA: That’s right. These studies also show that marital satisfaction often decreases dramatically with each child. Unless each of you is sensitive to your own and your partner’s needs (to be loved, to feel important), self-esteem plummets and resentment builds. If you don’t heed the warnings, the marriage can crumble. As you’ll see with this couple, the seeds of discontent are often sown long before the labor pains begin. JOAN'S TURN, Part One: “Nat and I have been together for so long, I never thought it would come to this,” says Joan, forty-four, a tiny, soft-spoken woman who was so angry with her spouse she barely glanced his way. We've known each other since grade school, and married when we were in our twenties. Twenty-four years and five children later, we’re actually talking about getting divorced. I come from a large family, so it’s not unusual that I wanted one of my own, is it? But mine wasn’t a particularly happy family. My father was an alcoholic. Back then, no one acknowledged that sort of thing; they just pretended it didn’t exist. Although he wasn’t physically abusive, my father would often scream at me and my siblings and he treated my mother horribly. Every night, we’d wait anxiously to see what state he’d be in when he walked in the door. Would he be screaming and throwing things, or would he be calm and loving? His rages terrified me; when he was angry, I would cry on my bed with a pillow over my head. DR. PAUL MOSCHETTA: The legacy of alcoholism is a burden that many families still carry and have to deal with. Children who grow up with an alcoholic parent are often left feeling anxious, inadequate and lacking in confidence. These feelings stem from growing up in a home that's filled with chaos and the imminent threat that, at any moment, things might unravel. These feelings are often carried over into adulthood in different ways. DR. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: When a child's home environment is as unstable and unsupportive as Joan's was, they don’t know whom they can trust. Worst of all, they begin to doubt themselves. Joan desperately needed an emotional anchor to feel good about herself in some way. This is reflected in many of the problems she’s having with Nat. JOAN'S TURN, Part Two: “Nat and I lived near my folks when we first married, but after our third child, we moved to a house about an hour away from them in a lovely community with a lot of other young couples. I devoted myself to my family, which grew and grew. We now have three biological and two adopted kids. I know everyone wonders how I manage. What can I say? I started having kids when I was very young. At one point, after the fourth child, I did decide not to have any more children. But I was only thirty-five, and didn’t have a clue what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I could either go to college and finally get my degree, or find a job. But when I sat down and made a list of all my strengths and weaknesses, I realized that, more than anything, I love being a mother--and I’m very good at it. DR. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: As the oldest of five children and daughter of an alcoholic father and passive mother, Joan had stepped into the role of family caretaker early on. Now she wants to be sure that her own children never face the same problems she did, so she’s poured herself into mothering with a vengeance. A surrogate mother to her siblings, she continued to nurture them all even after she had married. Unfortunately, she believes that being a mother is the only area in which she excels--and the only area in which she has some sense of control. Sadly, that belief is holding her back personally--and hurting her marriage. JOAN'S TURN, Part Three: “When I read in the newspaper a few years ago about unwanted children needing homes, I spoke with my family about adopting another child. They were all in favor of it. We contacted the proper social-services agency, and soon were the parents of six-month-old Christine. In the next few years, we added one more to our family: John. We adopted John when he was just a few months old. The authorities think he may have been abused by his birth mother--maybe that’s why I have such a special place for him in my heart. We both adore John. He can be an irresistible imp at times, but other times, he can be so funny, he can make even the most serious person laugh out loud. I have to admit, though, he’s demanded more of my attention than all the other kids combined! In fact, one thing John does has been causing major friction between Nat and me. Recently he has insisted on staying in our bedroom at night. He sleeps on the floor, wedged between a dresser and my side of the bed. We’ve tried endlessly to get him to move to his own bed, and he’s been seeing a counselor, but sleeping alone is a frightening experience for him. He and Nat are very close, but Nat thinks I’m far too lenient with him and wants me to demand that he leave the room. How can I do that? The child is scared, for heaven’s sake. The truth is, Nat has been accusing me of being too lenient with our kids from day one. I’m tired of battling him about every issue, big or little." DR. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Arguing over how to raise and discipline the kids is a hurdle most parents find difficult to leap. You say no TV; your husband lets them watch. He insists junk food is off-limits; you think he should relax. While such disagreements are natural, if not properly resolved, they can actually trigger even more problems. DR. PAUL MOSCHETTA: That’s right. When parents disagree openly in front of their children, kids get mixed messages. For example, if, like Joan and Nat, parents are on opposite sides of the fence when it comes to discipline, most likely, they won’t enforce any rules they do make consistently or firmly. What’s more, children may start to think that they're the root of parental arguments--and they may well fear losing their parents’ affection and attention.
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