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CAN THIS MARRIAGE BE SAVED?
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DRS. MOSCHETTA'S COMMENTS: The first two years of a marriage are as critical to future development as the first two years of a baby’s life. Too many couples ignore early problems until it’s too late. They stop talking, they stop making love, they quarrel constantly—and all of that begins to feel normal. But at least Elena and Mike, for all their arguments and despite the chilly distance that’s growing between them, have committed to getting counseling help. But can they resolve their difficulties? When we first met Elena and Mike, we weren’t sure they’d be able to work through their problems. Mike prided himself on simply being in the counselors’ office—but he didn’t seem very committed or willing to work on change. Incredibly selfish, convinced their problems were due solely to Elena’s inability to adjust to life in New York, he spent the first few sessions boasting about what a good husband he is. Yet there was one factor that we thought, in this case, was quite significant and did bode well for their future success: Though they grew up with different cultural backgrounds, they both came from traditional homes and carried with them the same values and goals for marriage, family and their future. In our work with them, we tried to stress this point whenever tempers flared and it helped put their issues into focus. However, the negative experiences the two carried over from childhood set them on the course for conflict today. Elena, the youngest of three, absorbed the message early on that if she was a good little girl, she would please Daddy and Mommy even more. She was also raised to believe that a husband, and his needs, are paramount. Before Elena could be an equal partner in this relationship, she needed to feel better about herself. We told her that she has every right to expect more from Mike than he is giving her in the marriage. By legitimizing her feelings and needs, we gave Elena a measure of confidence. She’s tried to speak up and express herself more often and more effectively to her husband. She’s learned to pose her needs and requests in such a way that he hears, and wants to, meet them. She must always be careful to monitor the tone and volume of her voice so she doesn’t sound nagging and strident, as well as catch herself from constantly reminding her husband to do something without giving him a chance to do it first. To further bolster her self-esteem, we suggested a plan of action. First, we encouraged her to complete her degree and get a teacher’s license so she’d be certified in New York. Second, since they did have the money, we suggested that they look for a larger apartment, one that would give them each privacy as well as enough space so Elena would not feel so trapped. In time, Elena has adjusted to New York. She’s met many new people through her classes and now feels less dependent on Mike in general. We pointed out that Mike has told her to call or visit her family whenever she wants to—and he’s said that he means it, we repeated. She must also believe him when he says his friends really do like her. Elena and Mike still see his old party crowd, but they have also branched out and made new friends as a couple, which has helped her feel more accepted. Since she feels so much better about herself now, Elena has stopped nagging Mike as frequently. ‘To be honest,’ she says, ‘there are some things I’ve just learned to live with. Or I’ve learned to work around. For example, if I want to talk to Mike, I check to see what he’s watching before I try to have a conversation. If it’s not a game, I talk!’’ she adds with a laugh. The fact that her husband is there for her in so many other ways gives her the confidence to do this. Though Mike’s parents divorced when he was eighteen, we suspect the marriage had been unhappy all along. We believe he never witnessed a healthy relationship in which people thought about each other’s needs and learned to discuss and resolve difficult and divisive topics successfully. Mike also grew up believing that he has to follow in the footsteps of his dynamic father. He’s quite young to be shouldering such responsibility and deep down, he’s very concerned that he’ll never measure up. To hide his insecurities, he puts on a loud and boastful facade. Then, after a hard day at work, he comes home and anesthetizes himself in front of the TV. At one point, we asked Mike, ‘Are you going to be one of those very successful businessmen who makes a lot of money but whose family life is in shambles? Or will you direct some of your energy toward forging strong bonds with your wife and child? Mike sat silently for a long time and told us he’d think about it. Over the next few weeks, he showed Elena that he could rise to the challenge. He began to make some real changes in the way he acted at home. He demanded that his mother treat Elena with respect—and when she doesn’t, he quickly points this out to her. He no longer flips on the TV the second he walks in the door. Instead, he helps Elena with dinner, they talk about their day, and maybe he’ll watch TV later. While Sundays are still usually reserved for his sporting events, on Saturday, they do whatever Elena chooses—be it window-shopping, going to the theater or visiting a museum. If Mike wants to go away for the weekend, they plan a trip for two instead of for the whole crowd. As the sessions continued, Mike was able to see how much counseling was helping Elena and also that much of what she was saying was indeed true. In time, he also began to open up about his own feelings and anxieties. Mike and Elena were in counseling for six months. Last week, we received an announcement of the birth of their son, Christopher, with a note from Mike: ‘Thanks for helping me get my priorities straight.’
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