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CAN THIS MARRIAGE BE SAVED?
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MIKE'S TURN, Part One: “Well, somebody in this relationship needs help, but it’s not me,” says Mike, twenty-six, a tall, athletically built man who can’t sit still. First of all, I most certainly did tell Elena that I would some day take over my Dad’s business. She’s choosing to forget. What does she expect, anyway? I’m the oldest son. The business has been in my family for five generations. I should tell my father, a man I grew up worshiping, ‘Forget it, Pop, but my wife wants to stay in Florida?’ Besides, look at the financial security we have here. My folks’ marriage broke up over lack of money at one point. I don’t want the same fate for us.” DR. PAUL MOSCHETTA: Right away, Mike is on the defensive. Like many people, he’s come to counseling with an agenda and he doesn’t hesitate to announce it: His wife needs fixing, not him. Mike is typical of many people we see, even those who come willingly for help. They may admit that their marriage is in trouble, but they can’t, or won’t, acknowledge to themselves or their partner the part they play in the problems. DR. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Right—yet the ability to see what you’re doing wrong is critical. It’s the first, and most important, step to getting any marriage back on track. Too often, we self-righteously blame our partner and miss clues to what we could be doing differently. This relationship is also so new that Elena and Mike haven’t figured out yet how to resolve conflicts with talk and compromise. MIKE'S TURN, Part Two: I had a very carefree childhood. I was the first child, the favorite, and always in the limelight. I was a pretty good student, good athlete and I had lots of friends. My folks were always there for me and my brothers, and I’ve always been close to both of them. But they divorced when I was a freshman in college and the split really messed up my mother. Can’t Elena see that my mom’s a lonely, mixed-up lady? That photo album business with my mother is a perfect example of how my wife blows everything out of proportion. I haven’t seen my old girlfriend in ten years, nor do I care to now—no matter what my mother may think. Elena should just let her comments roll off her back. I do. These past two years haven’t been a picnic for me, either, you know. I’m responsible for keeping this business going. My father had to retire after he had a heart attack. He’s fine now, but the doctor said he should lead a less stressful life. I’m the logical one to move into his position. Of course, he’s had some good people working for him who are helping me, but the spotlight’s on me. There’s so much pressure—decisions to make, questions to answer, people to hire and fire. When I come home, I just want to tune everything out. I wasn’t any different in Florida, by the way. Elena just never noticed—or only now decided to make waves. I’ve always been a sports nut; I’ve always relaxed by watching TV. But now she’s just looking for things and trying to push my buttons. You tell me why she picks a Sunday afternoon when the All-Star game is on to discuss a new couch for the living room?” DR. PAUL MOSCHETTA: As Mike describes his childhood, we can’t help but wonder: Was it as carefree and idyllic as he thinks? Most likely, money issues and other problems were already driving his parents apart—and Mike and his brothers must have sensed the tension on some level. MIKE'S TURN, Part Three: “I know it wasn’t easy for Elena to move. But I’ve told her, ‘Anytime you want to visit your mother, you have wings. Fly down. Or call whenever you want.’ Instead of doing that, she turns reality inside out. Take this business with my friends. Those guys have loved her from day one and have always treated her fine. But, like I said, Elena misinterprets many things. If I go to a ball game, she thinks my friends are stealing me from her. No one puts her down, either. She puts herself down. I’m tired of hearing about how awful things are for her. I try to set up getaway weekends, but either she doesn’t like the people we’re going with or she doesn’t want to drive two hours to get there. Then she says she wants to get to know the city but she’s not giving New York a chance. If I say, ‘Hey, let’s go to a Knicks game and feel the electricity of nineteen thousand people screaming at the top of their lungs,’ she’ll say no. I have a million examples like that. Elena has changed so much. I fell in love with a sweet, sexy lady who seemed up for anything. Now, I’m living with someone who does nothing but scream and bitch. She likes to give marching orders: ‘Take out the garbage! Wash the dishes!’ The reason I don’t clean as much as she does is because we have a totally different idea of what’s acceptable when it comes to keeping house. She’s a neatness fanatic. As far as I’m concerned, if the bed isn’t made, so what? Who’s going to see? We’re just going to sleep in it at night, so what’s the big deal? Worse than her bitching, though, are her silent treatments—three, maybe four days in a row without a word. I can’t stand that; I’m an up-front kind of guy. But when Elena’s mad, she refuses to talk. And then the next thing you know she’s ready to blow up. Like last week at the racetrack. I was having such a good time that night. If I was getting too loud, she could have said, ‘Mike, mellow out.’ Instead, she screams like a banshee in front of all my friends. I’m here, in therapy, for one reason: Because I’m a team player. But in my opinion, the problem is ninety percent Elena’s.”
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