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CAN THIS MARRIAGE BE SAVED?
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ELENA'S TURN, Part Two: “I met Mike through my best friend in college, Darci. We attended the state university, which was located in a charming resort community in Florida. For months, Darci had been telling me about this terrific, handsome, funny guy she wanted to fix me up with, but it just never happened. Then one afternoon she surprised me by showing up with him at the library where I was studying. She introduced us, and it was love at first sight. He was a junior studying business administration. Soon after that introduction, we started dating, and were very happy together for the next few years. We both loved the laid-back lifestyle of where we were, the warm weather and beaches, the easy pace. I dropped out after my junior year and started working because I needed the money. I never finished college. But I loved my job teaching preschool. After Mike graduated, we found a lovely apartment right near the beach and Mike was hired as an assistant manager at a small hotel. I continued teaching. I was so happy—until the day he told me about his father’s decision to retire and leave the family leathergoods business to him. Apparently, it had always been assumed that Mike, who was the oldest son, and a cousin would inherit the business. But it came as news to me. Mike insists that he told me, but I can’t remember it. I do remember that when he asked for permission to marry me, he promised my mother he’d never take me away! Mike kept trying to convince me that moving to New York was a terrific opportunity for us, that we’d have lots of money. He raved about all the wonderful things there are to do there and how all his great friends from high school were nearby. But it was like he had already made the decision. There was no discussion. Mike announced the plans, and they just happened. Right before our first anniversary, he flew to New York to take over the business. I stayed in Florida. For a while, we had a long-distance relationship. He’d come down for weekends, or I’d go up there. It was horrible, but I just wasn’t ready to move. I was so torn. Finally, I said to myself, Elena, you married this man for better or worse. Reluctantly, I packed my things and flew to New York. That was a year ago. This past year has been even worse than I anticipated. We live in a tiny studio apartment, and since I have no job and no friends, I spend most of my time in this one room. Mike has no time for me. What’s worse, when he does come home, he immediately turns on the TV to watch sports. He’s a fanatic. Before we set our wedding date, he had to make sure there wasn’t a game on that weekend. God forbid I talk to him when he’s watching a game. You should hear the way he barks at me. The thing is, he won’t even include me in his social plans anymore. Forget about the things I thought we’d do in New York, the things that Mike promised when he was trying to convince me to move. He has this group of friends he’s known his whole life. They’re stockbrokers or something on Wall Street and have a lot of money, which they flaunt. Many of them are still single. I tried for a while to tag along to their parties—otherwise, I’d never see my husband—but I just don’t fit in with them. It’s a real party crowd. I don’t have much in common with their girlfriends, either. I know they must think I’m dull. Finally I started making excuses not to go.” ELENA'S TURN, Part Three: “Mike’s family is nearby, but they don’t make life any better. I get along fine with his father and stepmother, but his mother is always making snide remarks when we get together and is just terrible to me in general. The first year we were married, she gave Mike a photo album of pictures she’s collected during his life. There wasn’t a single picture of me in the whole album, but there were plenty of photographs of his ex-girlfriend, whom his mother adored. When I saw the album, I burst into tears. Mike didn’t understand why. He was totally clueless. When I explained how I felt, he looked at me like I was crazy. I guess everything started to build up inside me. On top of the fact that he’s been treating me like this, I’ve had to wait on him hand and foot. He never chips in. Mike doesn’t take out the garbage, put the dishes away or make the bed unless I ask him to. I try to say, ‘Look, Mike, such-and-such is really bothering me,’ but he doesn’t listen. He yells, puts me down and gives me one argument after another about why I’m treating him badly. Somehow, he manages to turn the whole thing around. I get so confused and upset, I just clam up. A few weeks ago, all my frustrations came to a head. Mike, his friends and I had gone to the racetrack. They all were drinking beer. Mike was getting very loud and I lost it. I screamed, ‘Shut up!’ in front of everyone. Suddenly, there this stunned silence. I knew that I embarrassed him to death but I just couldn’t take that immature carrying on for another second. Mike threw his empty beer can at me and shouted back, ‘I can’t take this anymore! I want a divorce!’ Then he stormed off and took a cab home. I drove home by myself. Then, last week, I discovered I was pregnant. I had my suspicions, since my period was late, but I wasn’t sure until I went to the doctor and had a blood test. I want this baby more than anything, but how can we even think about being good parents when our marriage is such a mess?” DRS. MOSCHETTA'S COMMENTS: Elena is despondent and we can understand her frustration. What she doesn’t understand is that you can love a man, even pamper him if you want to, but not at the risk of losing your own identity. Because she feels out of line speaking up, Elena nags Mike to wash the dishes, or make the bed, even purposely interrupting his sacred football games just to get his attention.
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