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CAN THIS MARRIAGE BE SAVED?
Ladies Home Journal On-Line
INTRODUCTION
Meet Claudia, who has been not-so-happily married to Steve for more than twenty years. Three years ago, Steve confessed to Claudia that he once had a one-night stand--and she's been unable to forgive or forget since. In fact, she's become so angry, her grudge-holding has taken on a life of its own. Now, they are both wondering if their marriage is even worth saving.
CLAUDIA'S TURN, Part One:
"Three years ago, Steve told me about a one-night stand he had a long time ago. He said it is ancient history, but the pain is as real to me now as if the fling happened yesterday.
I'll never forget the night he told me. It was almost eleven P.M. when he trudged through the door and said he had something important to get off his chest. I knew he'd been worried about work. At the time, his union had been on strike for more than twenty weeks, and there was a lot of pressure on him to settle. Steve is the president of the electrical workers union; it's a passel of problems for him, but he's very committed to the cause. When I asked what was wrong, he began to cry and finally confessed that three years before, he'd met a woman at a bar. One thing led to another and he ended up taking her home and sleeping with her. He swore it was just a one-night stand--that he didn't see or hear from her again after that night. And he said that I didn't know her, either. That was six years ago--but I can't forget, forgive or move on.
How could he do this to me? What did I do to deserve this? I can't shake this deep feeling of betrayal. I don't think about it every second of every day, but the pain and humiliation is always there in the back of my mind. It makes me feel that my whole marriage is a sham. I can't let it go, but it destroys any positive feelings I could possibly have for this man.
We've been married for more than twenty years, but for at least the last ten, I don't think either of us have been particularly happy. The problem is, Steve won't talk--about anything. In the beginning, I made valiant attempts to get him to open up, to tell me if something was bothering him. Now, I've basically given up hope. He comes home from work and yells at me and our two teenage boys. He doesn't seem interested in spending any time with us anymore. It takes two people to make a marriage work and two people to make it fail, I've always thought. I can't change everything by myself, and he's clearly unwilling to do anything. So over the years, I learned to concentrate on my children and resign myself to living in this pretend marriage.
It's so obvious that family time is way down on his list of priorities. I've never understood how or why Steve manages to find plenty of time for other things. He has his union work, and he's spent hours negotiating over conference tables fighting for the rights of the working man. And though he's the Pied Piper of the neighborhood, playing with all the kids, he rarely has time for a game of catch in the backyard with his own two sons. Slowly, he's pulled away from all of us. The man I fell in love with when I was in high school--the guy who spoke softly and lovingly to his children when they were little--is so different from the man who now curses at them and goes ballistic when he sees the mess they make. Yes, teenagers can be messy, self-centered and irresponsible--and are our boys are no exception. But my husband is so judgmental and so nasty that it's impossible to reason with him. Lately, I've chosen not to speak to him at all."
DRS. MOSCHETTA:
"When two people are this angry for this long, it can be very hard to break out of the routine. They've both come to expect rudeness and disrespect from each other--and, unfortunately, it appears that their expectations are being fulfilled. Studies show that couples wait an average of six years from the time problems first surface in a marriage until they actually pick up the phone and call for professional help. Claudia and Steve should have done this a long time ago."
CLAUDIA'S TURN, Part Two:
"I grew up in a very unhappy home, the youngest of six girls. We lived in a two-bedroom apartment in a housing project; I slept on the couch. I vividly remember the constant arguments between my parents. Each time, the screaming fights would end with my mother stuffing some clothes into a shopping bag, walking out the door and threatening never to return. My sisters and I would run after her and beg her to come back, but it would always happen again.
My mother was always depressed; she spent the better part of the day in bed, and I never felt she was a real part of my life. At the time, my sisters and I thought that my dad, who drove a bus for the city, was a saint; it wasn't until we were grown and out of the house that we learned he'd been a drinker and would often gamble away most of his paycheck. Obviously, my mother had far more on her plate than we ever realized. But I still missed her desperately and wanted more than anything for her to take even a shred of interest in me. I had no one to talk to when I was growing up."
DRS. MOSCHETTA'S COMMENTS:
"Many of the attitudes, behaviors and reactions we have as adults can be traced to our childhood experiences, and this is clearly the case with Claudia. She never felt safe, emotionally or physically. She never felt nurtured or loved, either. With both parents struggling with their own demons, there was no energy or time to support or encourage a child. Without a lifeline, this little girl must have been frightened, lost and riddled with insecurities. Even as an adult with her own family, Claudia is unable to fill the void left by her emotionally unavailable parents. Her self-esteem is so wobbly that Steve's confession has completely unnerved her, and her pain has lingered long after the actual infidelity took place. Steve had been her knight in shining armor, and she had always turned to him for confirmation of her worthiness. When even he betrayed her, she saw it as further proof that she is unlovable."
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